I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
