just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
