Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize