My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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