I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
