last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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