took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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