I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
