So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
