You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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