Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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