3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
