I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
