i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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