Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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