wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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