i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
