I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
