My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize