this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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