ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
