Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
