Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
