I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
