That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
