Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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