I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
