: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
