you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
