Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
