i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
