Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Randomize
