I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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