I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I supernannyed him into submission
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
