Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
