Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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