My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
