This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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