Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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