i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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