Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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