I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Randomize
