Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Farmville is her only friend.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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