someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
