last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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