I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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