just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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