i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm passing your future prison.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize