god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
that is very illegal...i love you.
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