she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
