It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
