Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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