I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
