I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
