He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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