I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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