i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
