And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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