Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
