I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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