We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
